no one cares anymore

\the hawks crushing the celtics with athleticism and youth

(Sidenote: I don’t think she really gives a shit so I’ll just stop overexerting myself because more and more with each passing day, it feels like I’m wasting my time. There’s no more thrill of the hunt. It’s just continual disappointment, not giving me a chance, not knowing if I fucking said anything wrong, etc. etc. The more and more shit like this happens, the more and more I lose all confidence in my shining, lone roaming wolf abilities.)

So there’s something I’ve been wanting to address to everyone I know and everyone that’s put up with my bitching for as long as they’ve known me.  People don’t want to listen to shit anymore.  No one cares about your problems, no one cares about mine.  I definitely think that at this point in life, people just need to stop complaining and address the problem.  I have to deal with my student loan debt that the last five years have compiled during my quest for an electrical engineering bachelor of science degree.  I have to come up with an extra $275 a month starting in March.  I’ve had to face the harsh reality of finding a second job as a busboy, waiter, tech support guy, anything that can supply me with extra income every month.  I don’t make squat here, but I have a flexible schedule and working with my father has its perks (and equally, its downfalls).  It’s just something I have to deal with.  It’s mad fucking scary because for once I don’t have an answer to coming up with $ to pay bills ($275 a month is substantial for me) and it means I’ll probably spend the rest of my life (starting March) that I’ll be living in seclusion.

Someone’s gotta do it.  No one needs to hear about it though.  I’m just looking for solutions at this point.

on one hand

on one hand, we have the hopes, what could be, what i’ve seen, what i liked, what’s happened before yesterday.

on the other hand, i start to think if i did something.  if i said something.

now i have to put up with these games we play.

immunity

\teddy playing nickjr and eating honey combs

lately i’ve been feeling real good.  nothing can bother me. all it took is one person.  one absolutely adorable, magnificent woman.

why has it taken so long

if i only had words to describe how good i feel, maybe this post wouldn’t seem so empty.

and by no means is it empty.

that’s all i need

that’s it.

all i need is a picture and some words to remind me how i fucked up and how quickly you forgot about me

the whole experience was an expedition on eggshells, a journey of false hope

and sure, it’s been a while, i know

but there’s no reason crying over spilled milk anymore

just gotta clean the shit up now

i mean everything

has it really taken this long…?

IT’S THAT NEW SHIT

\Lil Wayne\No Ceilings\Swag Surf.mp3

…So I haven’t listened to any new music for the last 2+ months.  My brother and the good folks @ www.nahright.com (I’m still behind by about 4 months here!) flooded my iPod with 450+ songs worth new shit.  That aforementioned new shit ranges from WALE’s new album (sorry I couldn’t support you; bills were more pressing), Wayne’s No Ceilings Mixtape (mostly rap, none of that dookie rock experimental trash), a Kidz in the Hall mixtape, the Notorious soundtrack, Mr Hudson, MGMT, a lot of Phoenix, a lot of Stars, random unreleased tracks.  Thank the lord for the internet and my sources.

For those of you who haven’t heard it, No Ceilings brought a tear to my eye.  Rhymes and flow were reminiscent of the Drought 3’s and he doesn’t sound pre-pubescent or high all the time.  GO GET IT.

Random musings:
-Haven’t really gone out too much in terms of partying. A lot of this is due to the unreliability of acquaintances and everyone’s lack of luster to go out.  Whatever.  Saves me $.
-I recently got 10th out of 69 people at the MTG State Championships piloting an altered version of Team Austria’s semi-successful Worlds build.  Very proud of my team who saw 5 of us place within the top 15 and Viet at 3rd-4th.
-I had to bail from a trip to Arizona for a PTQ with Lindler + co.  Once again, it comes down to $.  I wanted to go and continue my momentum of “big event” success but alas, I be lackin tha muthafuckin greenbax du.
-Pops and me have been playing the Super Nintendo at work with all the stupid downtime we have from slow business.  I’ve been fuckin with Super Mario Lost Worlds and have gotten to level 8-1 in about 4 hours of play.  Funny thing is, after I play a simple game of Mario (jumping, running), I pick up Donkey Kong Country and suck ass at it.  I guess it’s too complex for an oldie goodie like me (ha!).

And until next time, here’s a picture of Teddy during his three day vacay at our house.

CHILLIN TOP BILLIN AT DA HOLIDAY INN MA DU

not big enough for the both of us

\Cam’ron\Killa Season\Do Ya Thing (remix).mp3

I have way too much to get off my chest in such a little box.  I hate talking about anything over text… the point always seems neglected.  All I have to say is: do everyone a favor, know what you want.  This time I can honestly say I didn’t fuck anything up.  It’s one of those “if a tree fell in forest and no one was there to hear it, did it really fall” scenarios.  Basically, I ask a friend a question about a girl, he tells me, another person tells me differently, I begin to care less because I’m only getting more confused, the friend I asked the question tells the girl, all trust is lost, all chances of getting anything (sex, mouth work, makeout sessions, a kiss, a hug, sit next to me at a roberto’s, etc.) are lost.  [Sidenote: be careful who you confide in.  Friends and integrity are starting become a scarcity in the world today because no one knows when to shut the fuck up] The only reason why I gravitate towards girls like that is because of some subconscious feeling of not wanting to be alone and wanting to replace what was once really really good (when it actually was really really good).

Seth said it, Wes said it, I’m sure Lance thinks it: I need to stop trying so hard and raise my standards a bit.  It’s not like I don’t get the looks, stupid random giggles, or shy treatment around other girls, it’s just I’m way too pussy because my standards have been reduced to a level apparently unbeknownst to my well-being.

I really do hate talking about shit like this.  The girls I want aren’t accessible.  They’re not available.  It doesn’t seem like they want to be available anytime soon and I’m definitely getting too old to put up with the bullshit that would ensue if I did (and would very possible succeed in) decide to homewreck.  I won’t because I’m too old for all that.  Just don’t try.  It’ll just happen.

Times like this, I miss you a lot.  I really do.  I hope you know that but every day that passes it really feels like I’m becoming just another face to your memory.

God I miss you.  You’re the only one I say this to and really mean it.  Have been for quite some time now, but you’ll never know because you probably don’t care.

I really need to stop trying.

“goonie goo goo’s”

\no new music to listen to for 4 months

So lately my posts have been mad dookey dook composed of rants of frustration about the opposite sex.  Time to actually use this as a platform to make sense amidst a world that doesn’t anymore (i.e. this Twilight/New Moon frenzy is much worse than the Harry Potter craze a few years ago).  I’m pretty much done talking about my personal shit on the internet because it frankly helps no one.

Two weeks ago we had a party for Lance’s birthday and the homies from New Jersey came through to celebrate, as well as witness Manuel Pacquiao’s dominance of the Latino race.  There are pictures that are pretty self explanatory and videos of the next day which was a bit less controlled and a bit more chaotic.  I’ll post those and some videos later.  Great fucking times, people.  Much better than going to a hotel room full of Hawaiians and Samoans arguing about nothing, who’s down, and who looked at who’s girl.  Grow up kids, we’re all here to get smashed.  Jersey Kris and friends are gonna try to make it out to my birthday next year so the experience of my fuckery won’t only reside in Vegas but in Jersey too!  Awesumz!

What I wanted to get to was the news that my favorite sports player of all time, Allen Iverson, has decided to retire after no NBA team expressed interest in granting his wish of signing him on his terms.  It’s a bit strange to realize that I’m old enough to see my first favorite player actually retire.  Shit.  Anyway, since the first time I started following basketball when I bought my first iverson’s, Iverson jersey (#3 guard from philly, baby) and tearaway pants, to his falling out in Detroit as a backup player, I’ve stuck with Iverson.  Through thick and thin, all of his shenanigans, all of his gripes, crimes, criticism, I defended him because I loved the way he played basketball.  It’s rare nowadays for a coach to just put up with a player’s bullshit and let him play.  Larry Brown did it with the 76ers when Iverson took them to the NBA championship, I just don’t understand why more coaches don’t do it.  Ron Artest with the Lakers is a perfect example of what coaches should do, but hey, I’m just a fan.  I really wish he didn’t go out like that and that he retired under his own terms, but at the end of the day, it’s a business.  He’s a prideful man and this is a business.  No team wants a guy who although still has the talent to positively contribute to a team, has the potential and reputation of ruining chemistry and poisoning people around him.  In terms of his skill, he’s a perimeter Shaq: hard to fit into any system.  I have one thing to say to you Mr. 10-time NBA All-Star Allen Iverson: I know you’re not dead, and I know you’re not exactly a breadbasket, but I am going to miss your flashes of brilliance on the court and how you took over games with a loud, stagnant 6′ framed dominance.

Oh yeah. Fuck you fantasy basketball team. You are oh so disappointing.  This post feels like a wall of text.  Hm…

you deny me so vehemently

\Nas\Illmatic\Represent.mp3

stop.

just stop!

the hell am i doing…

stop, just stop.

“you can lie to me but you can’t lie to yourself.”

what does it take to just forget something or someone completely

COMPLETELY

what the fuck is it

because whatever it is

i’ll do it

if jim carey could do it 85%, i’d still be willing to take a shot.

the unattainable

\dogshit, poorly reported local news in the background

it's time for sunrise muthafuckas

So recently, I haven’t been doing much.  Started to drink again after a 3 week sobriety which I was somewhat unaware of (and henceforth proud of).  Nothing crazy; just a couple drinks here and there, you know, the social thing.  My money is tight, my flirting isn’t. And I guess that’s it really.  My job search has hit an absolutely halt with no calls or e-mails being returned.  It’s been disheartening, but it doesn’t seem impossible to rebound.  If some of these people out here can get jobs that I’ve heard about, surely I can muster up enough effort to net me a career somewhere.

please win me this year's championship batman

I could wage in on most recent sports events but in all likelihood, my opinion is probably the same as yours.  The Yankees suck and bought their championship, SEC officials suck donkey dick, the basketball season has started (drafted my fantasy team; was happy on draft day but have since been disappointed about two weeks in), that girl from the New Mexico women’s soccer team should have been beat the fuck up for being such a donk on the field, Manu Ginobili’s bat slapping was pretty hilarious but that doesn’t diffuse the fact that he is still #2 on my most hated basketball players of all time, Steve Phillips has been fired from ESPN for outwardly being a moron (it had nothing to do with his ineptitude as a sportscaster too! go figure), and it goes on and on.

god he probably gets so much ass

What else is there… random stuff seen here and there.  Halloween had me at a party with like 3 bananas and 4 vampires (no Robert Pattinson (sp?) sorry ladies) so all night I was stuck between potassium, bloodsuckers, and a hard place.  Hasn’t been too crazy in the party scene.  It could be that I’m aging rather quickly in both the physical and psychological.  There’s just no overwhelming desire to party anymore.  As for relationships, nothing has opened up because like the dumbass I am, I only really want the unattainable.  The taken.  The good ones.  Whatever you want to call it, I don’t have it.  I want it, but like a god damn pipe dream, I ain’t gettin shit anytime soon.  Thanks dudes.

fuck you malik

Oh by the way, rest in peace to all those lost at Fort Hood from that tragedy the other day from three psychos who decided opening fire on coworkers was appropriate.  Definitely a horrifying idea that our own troops should worry about dying in their own country.

get it!

Guess that’s it.  Until next time, go buy Wale’s album “Attention Deficit” on Tuesday, November 10th, 2009.  I’ll be in line at Best Buy with my copy.  I’ll see you there homie.